Chronic lying | ADHD Information

PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU STOP LYING AS AN ADULT - WHEN DOES IT END - WHEN DOES THIS LITTLE ADD LYING BEGGER START TELLING THE TRUTH - excuse me for that moment of frustration.

I have ADD but I never lie - I am also in trouble for being too blunt.  Cant stand it give me some ideas on how to cope with it without throttling him.

Rae70

i don't recall being an inordinate liar..as a matter of fact my whole life i've been accused of being too honest. i've cut the brutally honest out of myself as i see now that this is not the way to go about things. i just wasn't realizing how brutally honest i was. it won me a lot of fans and enemies..however, i do think perhaps ( i do have a child, but he's only 3 1/2 ) you shouldn't make such a big deal of them. i'm not trying to say that you shouldn't have a talk with him or inform him of the consequences of crying wolf and how ppl will not take him seriously any longer but i agree with the others that it is probably a self esteem stopgap. my best friend has severe adhd and she lies chronically just to get her way. i'm usually not affected by it in the sense that she never aims it at me i just always hear about the inside stories since i'm her best friend and we live a life where she comes to me and tells me of all her stories...and i have a family life and don't indulge in going out w/ her and witnessing this. anyway my whole point is (sorry i digress like the worst of them! ) if you keep on haranguing him about these things i think it will be a downward spiral of him feeling like you don't think he's worth anything and having him feel like he can't do anything right and that it doesn't matter anyway since you won't notice if he's doing anything right. is he your stepson? i kind of felt he might be the way you wrote about it. i could be wrong...but if he is you're just isolating him further from you than ever.

he should be able to express himself in therapy as i'm sure he feels like his life is hell. especially with his peers taking advantage of his turmoil and deflecting their own blame on him.

in total i really feel bad for your son. i hope things get better for him.

sumi

Unfortunately for my poor mother, her husband, son and daughter all have ADD. So hopefully I can give some insight on this. I know I was a chronic liar. I would lie for no reason what-so-ever. I'd lie becauseI was bored, I'd lie because I was stressed, I'd lie because it was noon on a wednesday. Now that I look back I found that I lied because I had such a low self esteem. Hey, I was blamed for everything anyway, why not make that blame worth something? I still at the age of 24 find myself having to repress the instinctive lies that bubble up to my lips. Those stories were the only thing that made me "normal". I think it was a form of self preservation too.

My brother did it too. He stole money from everyone in the framily. I would find dollars missing and when I told my mother she blamed it on me being forgetful and misplacing it. Now that really pissed me off. He'd take it from my dad too because my father was just as absent minded as I and a drunk to boot. I think because my brother was the only one to get on medication at a young age he kicked the habit of the vicious lies.

My father was the worst of all. I'll save that for maybe another time. But let's just say he is just as much a liar today as ever. So maybe this is a "self preservation" act for those who have ADD?

I have something to add. After reading Kimo's post I think that's a way ADD kids cope with people's reaction to their symtoms. Their self-esteem is very low and sometimes they have to lie or exaggerate to get any positive recognition. Otherwsie, it's an endless string of getting scolded and grounded.

Either way, I think counseling would be good for your son.

Cheekydeeky

How old is your son? Regardless, I think you may be taking these incidents of "lies" too seriously than it is worth. Sure, you want him to know that lying is not a good thing and he should know all the consequencies of lying, but the type of lies you described is not worth having a "horrible day" over. In general, most kids (with ADD or not) with tell "lies" you described above.

With consistent reminder, coaching and discipline when required, he will eventually get it. You don't want to use an approach that will reinforce his negative feelings. Good luck.

I saw an older topic about this, but couldn't find it on the current list.  I'm in need of insight/experience. We have just had a horrible last 24 hours, because my oldest son's "friend" called him a liar in front of 2 other boys.  My son confronted him to find out exactly what "lies" he has told, but the boy couldn't back it up.  (I did later find out that many of the things that he accused my son of lying about are truths told by my son!  Whew on that one...)

However,  I caught my son, who has ADD, in 2 lies yesterday alone. We have known that he has the tendency to do this.  One lie was was that he had eaten breakfast when it was obvious that he had not.  The second was, that he spilled a not-yet-released family announcement when he was angry with his "friend".  When I confronted him with this, he denied it profusely, and tried to say that his "friend" must have overheard my younger children talking about it!  I was ready to go for blood, because I was so furious that he continued to lie even though he knew that I was onto the whole thing!

Does anyone else have experiences like this?  It has been a horrible day, because I have been lecturing him, making him read what lying does to the liar, the family, friends, etc.  I'm aware that this can be an issue with ADD, but I feel very strongly that even if he can't help it, he has to learn that he can't do it.  If his "friends" are turning on him now, what else is going to happen to him in the future?

I'm trying to think back to when I was a kid...was I a chronic liar? There was a time in 5th grade when a teacher would frequently accuse me of being one when I wasn't. Lying about finishing dinner is typical for any kid. What exactly was this "family announcement"?

It sounds like your son's friend was taking advantage of the fact that he is often the target of blame (or often misbehaves) to get him in trouble. This brings back memories of my experiences with this all too well.

I suggest you get him into counseling with a therapist that is familiar and has treated ADHD children. Tell her your dilemma and perhaps she/he can better assess the situation.

I know I could've benefitted from something like that. Even if your son is telling the truth, he needs to learn some coping skills.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

Cheekydeeky

FWIW, when I was a child I was definitely a chronic liar.  It's a long story.  I would lie to make my life look better than what it was (I was not a happy child - another long story).  I would lie to save my butt from my mother.  I would lie about things to get attention (like the time in the 2nd grade that, for whatever reason, I lied and said it was my birthday).  Actually, I remember we were doing something really boring and I was trying to liven things up.  And sometimes I would lie and not even have a reason! 

When I was a teenager I would mostly lie to cover my butt with my mother who was extremely over-protective and strict with me.  I never really considered it lying;  I considered that self-preservation. 

The other "types" of lying ended when I was a teenager for the most part. 

 

here is my 2 cents for what is worth. I don't think i lie anymore than anyone else. i like Rae70 get into a lot of trouble for being blunt i just say what others are thinking most of the time but are to afreaid to say it. Not sure if this is a common thing or not with add but hey i just thought i would bring it up.

My god I am so blunt and get a bit of a cheap thrill to watch the shocked faces - it used to upset me that I upset people - now I have just learnt to enjoy my problem

 

I believe that certain types of ADD put people in the position of lying.

For example, those times during a conversation when my mind "changes channels" and I miss pieces of the discussion. At the end of the conversation the boss asks, "do you agree"? And I say "yes". That is a lie. The truth would be to tell my boss, "I'm sorry, I did not get all of what you said". If he or she were patient, they would tell me again. I would no doubt miss pieces of it again and if I were to be honest I would tell my boss "I'm sorry, I did not get all of that". I would most likely always miss something and if I were to be 100% honest, I would end every discussion and meeting by asking people to repeat themselves. I could not stay employed very long if I did this.

So I have to lie to stay employed.  

I have gone through my entire life "filling in the blanks" so to speak.

How many times has an ADDer agreed to do something and then forget to do it? If I say I am going to do something and don't do it, that is lie. Then sometimes the repercussions of an ADD-caused error or omission are so severe, I have to lie to try to spare myself or my family from something unpleasant. For example if the family is being faced with having electric or phone service cut off insiting to the phone company that the bill was paid and finally convincing them that they lost the payment when in fact I forgot to send it.

Since many ADDers are not "allowed" to be ourselves, we sometimes feel forced to pretend and lie.